So yeah, basically as I'm leaving College we are having this big leaving do at this hotel/restaurant thing (Just to point out all that's mentioned below is not simply for me leaving but for the whole year) and some students organised it and it sounds amazing. But, I have one issue which is this, we are having an after-party held and 'Lola-lo's' a club in Norwich which is actually awesome, but I can't help feeling slightly worried. For several reasons, I mean first we're having a BBQ the hotel/restaurant place, and don't get me wrong I love BBQ, it's in my top ten, I watch Man vs. Food and I start salivating, but I mean there is no way in hell that I would ever be able to eat BBQ smartly, I'm wearing trousers that aren't jeans for the first time in years for goodness sake.
So I'm nervous on that front, girls are lucky, I mean a girl that can get stuck into some ribs something like that, that's hot (There are limits but for the sake of the point). I mean good for them y'know but it's impossible for a guy to be sexy and eat ribs, I know I've tried it, I've looked at it from every angle, I mean without sauce, Or maybe just dipping sauce but when sauce is draped all over them you wouldn't look too out of place on the set of The Walking Dead. I mean who knows maybe I just shouldn't have ribs...
Anyway the next worry is clothing, now as mentioned previously it's a no jeans affair but that ruins my plan. My plan was to go stand-up comedy on everyone. Y'know the classic jeans with a t-shirt with a usually titillating slogan on the front but with the very important afterthought of a jacket. It says 'I can be formal, but I'm also down to party.'
But no. So I have to go with the old smart trousers and shirt thing. Not really sure what that means anymore, but basically I have very few shirts to wear so my Mother, who while has the best intentions, offered to give me some of my step-dad's old shirts. Now I can get away with this age 13 maybe, sort of at the age when shirts only come out for two things. Weddings/Funerals.
Point is I would rather not turn up looking like I've just come from a pastaille shirts convention (No offense to pastaille shirts you have many great shades).
This is the last dress point. Now, shoes. I'm not going to lie all my clubbing experience to date has come from The Inbetweeners, I find them to give fairly accurate representations of what not to do and the re-percussions. But still the whole trainers thing? Is it real? are they really that strict on shoes? I can't just ask people because it will become obvious, so I've been trying to go nonchalant like "So, hey, I mean who doesn't know what kind of shoes to wear at a club right?" (For the voice think Carlton Banks mingling with his father's colleagues).
Either way I'm going with the trainers, they're mostly black. Though my Mother did suggest my Doc Martins which although I'm not an extra from This Is England, did fit the criteria for looks, being all black, but picture this. I decide on one of the rare occasions I may choose to have an alcoholic beverage that I want to throw some shapes on the dance floor, but my 2 inch soled size 14 boots come crashing down on some dainty footed 5 foot 4 girl's high heels, she goes down like a shot, probably nerve damage, anyway, there is a scream and everyone looks so I bid a hasty retreat but then I step on more people's feet and one by one they go down screaming while I leave a path of destruction in my wake. It's like that scene from Piranha when one by one men, women and children scream out in pain as they are bitten. Think of these boots as prehistoric thought-to-be-extinct man-eating fish.
Lastly behaviour. Now this will be my first time...clubbing. I'm not going to lie I'm worried, I don't know the etiquette, do you give a 'sup' nod to the bouncer? Do you have to tip him if you look like a ruffian? Do you make conversation with them while in the queue? Now, you're in the club, when you go to the bar, do you have to wait to be served, yell or is it just going 'Changing Places' Wall Street Stock Exchange on everyones asses? Now say you're in the club, you start talking to a stranger which I've heard is mandatory. Say it's a girl, because it's loud, how close can you put your face next to hers before it's called 'breathing down their neck' like in that crime, horror book you read that one time.
All these question far too little an amount of answers. I just wish I hadn't chosen my first time to be be with something so serious, should have done it with something that doesn't matter first but no I had to go and wait so it would be special, y'know the real thing. (I am still talking about clubbing by the way). I just don't want to be that guy who was so pumped that he accidentally formed what he believed was a dance circle which was actually a circle of shame.
But I also don't want to be the lurker. Y'know the guy wearing all shades of grey and sits in the corner with what is an oddly 'fruity-for-his-dress-sense' Pina Colada, sucking through my straw and staring at women.
Still could just stay home and eat those ribs in the fridge. Ribs are good, ribs will never judge me for my dancing...
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